The Night Sirius Broke
by SkinnyLittleSlut
Summary: Sirius has always been patient, but what happens when one night, Snape pushes Sirius too far and he tells Snape the one thing he swore never to tell anybody? Sirius angst, suicidal thoughts/self harm warning, eventual WolfStar.
1. Where It All Started

It all started with one command, though one could argue it had been building up for weeks now, maybe even months.

The first link in the massive chain of events that led to Sirius Black's destruction was three words uttered from the mouth of none other than Severus Snape.

Sirius had been ordered by Professor Slughorn to pass Snape the lacewing, after Sirius had repeatedly ignored the snivelly little shit's commands. Sirius glared at Snape from under his long ebony fringe as he reluctantly tossed over the bottle of ingredient, and Snape had snagged it from the air with a smug smile and a muttered "Good boy Black."

James had raised an eyebrow and silently flipped off Snape's hunched shoulders, whilst Remus had rolled his eyes and continued to add lacewing to his own potion. But for some reason, the comment filled Sirius with anger, and three minutes later he found his shaking hands clenched around his wand as he pointed it straight at the back of Snape's greasy hair. James had grabbed his hand and forced him to lower it, shooting him a confused and slightly concerned look, but Sirius had just huffed in annoyance, instead grabbing a knife and forcefully slicing his dittany, imagining the little green stem as being Snape's neck. And that was enough for Sirius then.

* * *

Throughout the next two weeks, Snape continued to poke sly little comments of such a manner at Sirius, and each time, he got more and more angry. He finally reached breaking point seventeen days later, in Transfiguration. He'd been so distracted trying to catch Marlene McKinnon's eye that he'd lost focus on the spell they were attempting to master. Much to the annoyance of the rest of the class, McGonnogal had kept them there an extra seven minutes until Sirius managed to successfully turn his owl into a pair of opera glasses. When the class was let out, Sirius had been subjected to a long, sarcastic round of applause from all the Slytherins, started, predictably, by none other than Severus Snape. Well, Sirius snapped, whipped out his wand, and before anyone could stop him, successfully manifested a half-couldron of Stink Sap above Snape's head, pouring all over him.

James had fell about laughing when he found out, but Sirius was less satisfied, and spent the two month's weekend detention with a very unamused Professor McGonnogal quietly contemplating why Snape was trying to fuck with his head as he scrubbed trophies with a Muggle toothbrush. He was a horrible little git, that was obvious, but lately, he'd gone from resentful mutterings and glares to condescending little remarks that somehow managed to worm their way into Sirius' head every time and burrow there.

* * *

After his first detention, which ended at 11pm, Sirius returned to the dormitory on a Sunday night to a tired-looking James, a half-asleep Remus and an unconscious Peter, and pulled out his History of Magic essay, attempting to focus on bullshitting ten inches whilst James talked his ear off.

"What is up between you and Snivelly? Why's he getting to you so much?"

"I dunno." Sirius shrugged, blinking blearily and trying to re-focus on the blurry parchment in front of him.

"There must be some reason he's getting such a reaction. I mean, you poured Stink-Sap over his head, for Merlin's sake! Probably the closest he's ever gotten to shampoo but still. Don't tell me that was just a clever ploy to get the little git to take a shower. What's the problem?" He persisted.

"I dunno James! He's just being Snivelly, I guess. Moony, where the hell is your essay I need help with this."

"If I let you copy me, how will you learn?" Remus yawned.

"If you don't let me copy you, then I'm gonna land another month of detention and you'll never see me again at the weekend. Also, I'll be stuck doing so much detention that I won't have time to do any homework, and it'll be an endless cycle, so really, it's in both your and my best interests to let me copy your homework." Sirius retorted, scowling down at his parchment and scratching out the last two sentences.

"Fiiine." Remus groaned, digging through the stack of paper sat next to him and pulling out a particularly neat ten inches of filled parchment. "But this is the last time, I swear!"

Sirius grinned.

"That's what you always say, Moony my dear."

* * *

A week later and Sirius was already beginning to feel the effects of both his long-winded detention and his intense procrastination. He'd hardly slept in the last two days, desperately trying to catch up on all of his homework with no help from an unforgiving Remus. At the current moment in time it was four in the morning, and they had to be up at seven, so Sirius had decided against sleep, as it would only make him more tired, and had made several secretive trips to the kitchen for coffee. He was sat straight up in his bed, clutching the warm beverage and listening to the peaceful sounds of his best friends sleeping. He heard a light snort come from Remus, and a small smile played around his mouth.

His friends knew he was bisexual, without him having to tell them, naturally. Sirius didn't really label himself. He flirted with pretty much everyone, especially the girls who hardly ever got any attention, because he enjoyed the way their faces lit up. Of course, he'd never talk to said girls after he'd slept with them and either thrown them out or snuck back to his dormitory, but Sirius liked to think of himself as a rather good person, if not somewhat of a whore. The fact didn't really bother Sirius, after all, he was a teenager, an extremely good looking one if he did say so himself, and he fully intended on settling down with someone one day, so in his mind, there wasn't anything wrong with sleeping around right now. But recently, he'd been feeling overly affectionate towards the scrawny, brown-haired lyncanthrope snoring in the bed over from him. It didn't bother Sirius, but he had failed to mention it to any of his friends, preferring instead to privately enjoy the moments he spent with his Moony. He was a rather private person, and preferred to keep things to himself.

* * *

Three days later, James and Sirius snuck out of the castle, Sirius clutching a small, silver package to his chest. They managed to get out undetected, and chose to reside by the side of the lake, in perfect view of the half-moon. Sirius anxiously tore the cellophane from the package off with his teeth, pulled off the top rather than just bending it forward, and ripped out the silver foil. Grinning, both Sirius and James reached forward and took one of the items contained in the box, put them in their mouths, held their wands aloft, and both muttered simultaneously "Incendio!"

Small flames rose from both of their wands, and they lit the cigarettes and extinguished the flames.

James began coughing immediately after he inhaled a huge drag of smoke without any oxygen, and Sirius let out a bark-like laugh, before demonstrating to his best friend how properly to take back the smoke. The two boys lay back in the somewhat damp grass, smoking their first cigarettes together.

"So, whatcha think?" Sirius asked, lazily pecking out the finished cigarette and tossing it into the lake.

"Er, I dunno. It was alright, I guess. Kinda smoky."

Sirius began to laugh.

"Really James? A cigarette is smoky? Never would have guessed."

"Shuddup." James muttered, his ears turning red. Sirius continued to laugh.

* * *

And for a few more days, it was fine. Sirius continued to enjoy time with his friends, and learned to partially tune out Snape. Life was good.

Until it wasn't.


	2. The Threat

It was the night of the full moon that it happened.

Remus had already been taken down to the Whomping Willow by Madame Pomfrey, and James, Sirius and Peter were due to head down there in ten minutes. Sirius had gone down to the kitchens to get some pumpkin juice to swill around his mouth because he had toothache. He was wandering back to the dormitories, clutching the cup full of the juice, when suddenly he was unceremoniously thrown to the floor by Severus Snape.

"What the fuck?!" Sirius cried angrily, but found himself unable to get up thanks to Snape's foot resting heavily on his chest. The cup of pumpkin juice clattered to the floor.

"That's it Black, stay on the floor like the good little puppy you are. Who's a good boy?" Snape sneered at him. Sirius found himself filling with anger.

"I want to know why you go down to the Whomping Willow every month." he spat. Sirius glared with disgust and hatred at the figure holding him down, trying futilely to get up.

"Tell me how to get down there. Tell me, Black, or I will personally ensure that the whole castle knows about your parents and how they _abuse _you."

"Fuck you!" Sirius snapped.

"Tell me Black!" Snape yelled. Sirius scowled in disgust.

"Afraid your parents are going to hit you, Black? I'm good friends with your brother. I know how they punish you. He's told me a few pitiful tales about how you sob for forgiveness like the pathetic, worthless piece of shit you are."

By now Sirius was shaking with anger.

"You really wanna know, _Snivellus_?" he jeered. "There's a knot above the hole in the Whomping Willow. Press it and the tree will freeze. Go through the tunnel and you'll find out the real reason we go to the Willow every month."

"Good boy." Snape sneered, releasing the pressure from Sirius' chest, yanking him up by the robes and throwing him against the wall. Sirius lay on the floor, dizzily watching the retreating figure of Snape, and then realised with horror the full extent of what he'd done.

Sirius staggered the rest of the way back to the dormitories, aware of the slight dribble of blood coming down onto his clothes, stammered the password to the Fat Lady, and threw himself into the Common Room.

"Sirius mate, what happened?" James was by his side immediately, concern in his eyes.

"James, you have to go, hurry! You have to stop Remus from hurting him!" Sirius yelled. James frowned in confusion.

"What?"

"James! I told Snivelly how to get into the Shrieking Shack. He's gonna find Remus, Remus is going to _kill him!_" Sirius shouted hysterically. Peter let out a squeak from the other side of the room.

"You did _what?!"_ James roared.

"I'm so sorry Prongs! I didn't mean to! You have to go, now, James!"

"Sirius, you fucking idiot!" James yelled, then sprinted over to the portrait hole, hurling himself out and taking off.

"Padfoot, what have you done?" Peter squeaked.

"I didn't mean to! I mean, I did, but fuck, I don't know. Fuck!" Sirius sighed, burying his head in his hands. Peter kept his distance, remaining at the other side of the room.

* * *

Three hours later a tired-looking James returned to the Common Room. Sirius leapt up, only to be grabbed by his robes and for the second time that night, thrown to the floor.

"Moony could have _killed_ him, Sirius!" James yelled, towering over Sirius' crumpled form.

"I know James, I'm so fucking sorry, I'm so so fucking sorry!"

"Fuck, I knew you hated the bastard, but I never thought you wanted him _dead_! And at one of your best friends' expense, too!" James bellowed, turning and grabbing chunks of his hair.

"No, James, it wasn't like that!"

"Don't you _dare_ try and defend yourself!"

At once James had Sirius by the neck against a wall, screaming in his face.

"Don't you dare."

James let go of Sirius and kicked him in between the legs as hard as he could. Sirius fell to the floor, gasping in agony and clutching his balls, and James booted him in the nose. Sirius felt a crunch and groaned, putting one hand up to his face to staunch the blood that had slowly began to spurt down his face.

"You're just like the rest of the Black family. Disloyal, disgraceful, and a downright disgusting breed." James spat contemptuously, and then grabbed Peter's arm, marching him up the dormitory stairs.

Sirius lay by the fire for a few hours, until the bleeding from his very clearly broken nose stopped, and for once in his life, allowed hot, wet tears to trickle down the sides of his face.

Around five in the morning, Sirius dragged himself up the staircase, meekly opened the door to their dormitory, and, once he was satisfied his friends were asleep, collapsed in his bed.

He stared up at the hangings for a few hours, until he heard the rustles of the others waking up, and feigned sleep when they finally roused.

Thankfully, they remained silent as they dressed, and Sirius let out a relieved breath once they left for breakfast.

* * *

A small sound awakened Sirius from a restless, unsatisfying slumber. He cautiously pulled his hangings apart, and looked out.

A terrified looking Peter Pettigrew stood by the doorway, staring at the boy who had been his friend for the past five years. He looked awful. His skin was pale and drawn, dark circles around his dark grey eyes, and dried blood was crusted on the majority of his lower face, as well as his robes.

"Professor Dumbledore wants you to go to his office." Peter murmured with wide eyes. Sirius nodded shortly, averting his eyes, and waited until Peter left to drag himself up and stagger across the room. His head was swimming, a mixture of a sharp concussion, blood loss, pain and lack of sleep, and he could hardly see. Irregardless, Sirius painfully changed his robes and tried to scrub a small amount of the blood from his face, but in the end it just hurt too much so he left it. He drew the material closer around his shaking form and stumbled down the stairs, across the vacant Common Room, and swung open the portrait hole to reveal a silent corridor.

Sirius hurried across the castle, chewing the bottom of his lip anxiously. His hands were trembling, so he hid them in his pockets for the majority of the journey, even though there was no one there to see the shaking.

He finally reached the gargoyle and blinked stupidly at the ugly statue for a few seconds until he felt a formidable presence behind him.

"Mr. Black." Professor McGonnogal greeted him with a grim tone.

"Canary Cream." she stated firmly, and the gargoyle swung away to reveal the spiral staircase.

Sirius reluctantly climbed onto the marble steps and finally met his Professor's eyes. They were ringed with disappointment and sadness, something Sirius couldn't bear to see in her eyes, so he let his own drop.

"You're not coming with me?" he asked in a low tone, when the staircase began to ascend.

"No, Mr. Black. This is a private matter that is to be dealt with with the utmost discretion."

Sirius nodded sadly, and stared at his scruffy trainers.

"I'm sorry I let you down Professor." he mumbled, when he had almost completed his ascent.

Sirius knocked on the huge door in front of him, and nervously waited. Out of all the times he'd been sent here, this was by far the most terrified he'd ever been. He was going to be expelled, for sure.

"Come in."


	3. The Consequence

Sirius entered Dumbledore's office with a terrified expression on his bruised face. Dumbledore was seated behind his desk, and gestured for Sirius to take a seat. Sirius did so, dropping into the hard wooden seat, and placing one of his hands on his shaking leg.

"Mr. Black, I assume you know why you're here?"

"Yes, sir." Sirius gulped. Dumbledore leant back in his seat, placing his fingertips together and observing the boy in front of him over half-moon spectacles.

"First of all, I think you'd be grateful for an update on how Mr. Lupin is doing?" he asked gently. Sirius nodded desperately, leaning forward.

"He is currently in the Hospital Wing, still unconscious. He has not yet been informed of the situation at hand. He is unscathed, and as are Mr. Snape and Mr. Potter." Dumbledore stated.

"Thank-you, sir." Sirius murmured gratefully, and returned to his hunched position in the chair.

"What you did last night, Mr. Black…"

"You don't need to say it, sir. I already know I fu-messed up really badly. All my friends hate me, as you can probably tell…" Sirius gestured to his face. "I know you probably think I'm a terrible person, but honestly sir, I wasn't thinking straight. I really didn't realise what I was doing, I didn't want to hurt Snape, I didn't want to hurt anyone." Sirius finished miserably.

"I do not think that you are a terrible person, Mr. Black. And I am fully aware you did not intend to cause Mr. Snape serious harm. But what you did was reckless, and must be punished, even if it was a simple mistake." Dumbledore said gravely.

"Should I pack my trunk then?" Sirius asked, tears filling his eyes. "I'm getting expelled, right?"

"No, Mr. Black. I would not expel you for an unintentional slip-up. But you must understand the severity of your actions. You put two students in grave danger last night."

"Yes sir, of course sir." Sirius gabbled.

"So you will have to pack a few of your belongings, and return here after the evening meal. I'm afraid I'm going to have to suspend you for two weeks. I will get two weeks of assignments from your teachers and give them to you when you're ready to go, and then you will travel home by Floo Powder. Your parents have already been informed of the situation."

Terror filled Sirius' grey eyes, and he closed them briefly as his breathing picked up. Upon calming himself down slightly, he re-opened them to find Dumbledore staring sympathetically at him.

"I realise this situation is not ideal, but it is what has to be done. I'm sorry, Mr. Black."

"No sir, I completely understand, thank-you for not expelling me sir, thank-you for understanding." Sirius whispered, pulling himself together.

"Attend the evening meal, retrieve your belongings, and then come straight here. I trust Professor McGonnogal informed you of the password?"

Sirius nodded, standing up and preparing to leave. He inhaled a breath of the lingering scent of musty books, and then turned.

"Sir, would it be alright if I got my assignments from all my teachers myself? I'll still be here on time, I'll get them straight after fourth period. I just don't want to be a bother." Sirius politely requested. Dumbledore looked mildly surprised, but nodded nonetheless.

"Of course, Mr. Black. I'll inform your subject teachers of the change in plan."

"Thank-you, Professor Dumbledore." Sirius forced a smile, and then left the room, hurrying out of the office. He began to head back to the dormitory, but then changed his mind, turning and heading to the Hospital Wing.

* * *

Sirius allowed Madame Pomfrey to fix his broken nose and scrub the blood from his face, give him a potion for the concussion, and even let her fuss over him whilst she forced him to drink fluids. She ordered him to sit on one of the beds whilst he drank the potion, so he chose the cot next to Remus, and downed the sour-tasting potion much to Madame Pomfrey's satisfaction.

"Stay safe, Mr. Black." she commanded, and offered him a small smile before taking his empty cup and bustling back to her office. Sirius laughed to himself, and swung his legs down, dropping into the seat next to Remus and taking one of his hands.

"Sirius?" a quiet voice inquired, and Sirius jerked. "Why did she tell you to stay safe?"

"Oh, Rem, you're awake." Sirius whispered, closing his eyes and clutching Remus' hand to his chest.

"You didn't answer my question." Remus murmured, placing one of his thin hands on Sirius' head. Sirius revelled in the comfort for a few seconds, before shaking his hand off and standing.

"Remus, James and Peter are gonna be here soon, and they'll explain everything, but I just want you to know that I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to hurt you, god, you're one of the most important people in my entire life, and no matter what you feel, please don't hate me, I couldn't bear it if you hated me. Just…just promise me, no matter how angry you are, promise me you won't hate me." Tears were leaking from Sirius' lids, but he didn't care.

"I promise, Sirius. Now what's going on?"

Sirius looked up and met a pair of confused but still gentle honey eyes, and he pressed his lips to Remus' hand, before letting it go.

"I'm going to be gone for a little while, okay Rem?" Sirius whispered. Remus' brow crinkled in confusion.

"Sirius?"

"I have to go now." Sirius was openly crying, and turning away from the shaken-up Remus who was calling his name almost forced him onto the floor sobbing, but he didn't let it show, and kept his back stiff as he left the room.

* * *

Sirius hid in his room, behind the curtains, and stared at the clock until it reached the end of fourth period. Against his better desire, he forced himself to navigate through the busy corridor and collect all his assignments. First he went to Care of Magical Creatures, and then Herbology, Potions, Defence Against The Dark Arts, Charms, and then Astronomy, before he reached the class Professor McGonnonal had him for, Transfiguration.

Sirius tiptoed into her empty classroom and stood before her. She was dressed all in green, a neat stack of papers bound with string sitting in front of her.

"Here are your assignments, Mr. Black." she stated, not looking up from the paper she was reading. Sirius ignored the stack and dropped into the seat in front of her desk, mentally begging her to meet his eyes. She did, after a few seconds, and opened her mouth to say something, but quickly closed it again when she caught sight of the immense pain and anticipation in his stormy eyes.

"Professor…I just wanted to say, I know you know what I did, and I wanted to personally apologise to you. I know I don't always do all my homework on time, and I'm not always the most attentive student, but I respect you a lot, even though it may not always look like it. And I just wanted to say sorry, for letting you down, and making you lose respect in me as a person. As strange and hard as this is for me to admit, you've always been one of my favourite teachers here, and I just thought you'd want to know that."

Sirius watched her face carefully for a reaction, and to his shock saw her startling blue eyes fill with tears.

"Mr. Black, you are not a let-down. You are a very talented student who doesn't have the best attention span, but you have a lot of potential. You made a very bad mistake, and you are paying the price for it, with your suspension and also facing the anger of your friends. And if you ever want to talk, I'm here."

"Thank-you, Professor." Sirius whispered hoarsely, his voice shaken with gratitude. He gave her a genuine smile, the first one he had managed in the last twenty-four hours, and stood, gathering the last of his assignments and leaving the classroom.


	4. Number 13

Sirius returned to Dumbledore's office just after the evening meal had ended. He decided to skip it, feeling sick to his stomach, but he didn't want to wait in the empty dorm for his two friends that currently hated him to return, so when the meal began, he hoisted his large, bulky bag over his shoulder and sat on the steps, waiting for Dumbledore to return after the feast. The only things in his bag were all the assignments, the majority of his textbooks, parchments, spare quills, ink, and a week's change of clothes, because some old clothes were still in his room and he didn't want to be too weighted down by the bag. He'd opted to leave his broom behind, in case it was snapped upon arrival.

It took Dumbledore an hour to return, and he didn't seem surprised at all to find an anxious Sirius camped out outside his office. Professor McGonnogal was with Dumbledore, and they both led Sirius up the stairs and into the office, where he headed straight over to the fireplace and switched the strap to one hand, taking a handful of Floo Powder. They nodded at him and said goodbye, and he said it back, before dropping the powder and clearly stating "Number 13, Grimmauld Place."

* * *

Sirius was forcefully thrown out of the fireplace and landed on the floor, coughing ash out of his aching lungs. His knees were scraped from the fall, and after he was done hacking up dust, he glanced up. The only person in the kitchen, much to Sirius' relief and slight disgust, was Kreacher, who was crouched on the floor, badly cleaning a cup with a soiled rag and squinting at Sirius in hatred.

"Mistress and Master are angry at Mr. Black, yes, very angry. Mr. Black is going to be punished for this." Kreacher cackled, his eyes never leaving the dirty cup.

"Fuck off Kreacher." Sirius snapped fiercely, yanking himself up and dusting his robes down, grabbing his bag and going to the stairs. He took the steep steps at a jog and then finally reached his room, snapping the door shut gently as not to wake up his parents and piss them off more, god forbid, and dropped the bag on the floor, collapsing on his freezing cold quilt and immediately falling asleep.

* * *

"Get _upppppp_!"

Sirius was awakened by the intruding howl of Walburga Black and fell out of his bed with a grunt, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. Every inch of his body ached, but he forced himself up, stripping out of his robes and changing into jeans and a t-shirt. He reluctantly headed downstairs, and was greeted with a sharp slap to the face.

The entirety of the right side of his face stung like a bitch, but Sirius kept his face impassive, much to his mother's annoyance.

"Wand." she snapped, and he slowly handed over the wooden stick stuck in the waistband of his jeans. She threw it onto the countertop and then grabbed a chunk of his hair, dragging him, yelling and cursing, to his father's study, where Orion was stood waiting.

"Do you realise how much you've _embarrassed _us?!" Walburga yelled, going to stand by her husband.

"Can't really think that well over that ungodly screech you call your voice, Mother." Sirius snapped coldly. She slapped him again, harder this time, and he let out a small wince.

"That's how you talk to your mother?" Orion boomed. He towered over Sirius.

At 5'11, Sirius was a lot taller than his mother, but Orion was a terrifyingly impressive 6'6 and surpassed Sirius' height by miles. Sirius scowled.

"I treat people how they treat me." he stated firmly.

"And I treat people how they deserve to be treated. And you, Sirius, are a failure to the Black name! You…"

"Fucking right I am! I'm nothing like you bastards!" Sirius yelled. Orion immediately took out his wand and threw a number of curses Sirius' way. One sliced across his thin cheek, another made him start coughing bloody mucus, and the last singed his chest underneath his shirt.

"Do not interrupt me!" Orion yelled. "I brought you here to be punished. But now it is clear to me that you are not sorry, for the embarrassment and shame you have brought us. You think you can escape us, boy?" Orion smiled a terrifying smile with his yellowing teeth. "Then you're going to know what it feels like to truly be controlled. You feel trapped right now, _son_?" Orion spat out the endearment with contempt. "You're about to discover what it's really like."

Then Orion raised his wand, and with a deranged grin, yelled "Imperio!"

The last thing Sirius consciously remembered was a bright, piercing flash of light, and then nothing.

* * *

"You will tidy your room. Then you will scrub all the silverware, clean all the skirting boards, _by hand. _Then you will cook your mother and I dinner, and only eat a piece of bread. You will complete all of these tasks within the next three hours." Orion commanded.

"Yes sir." Sirius murmured, and then ran upstairs to his room.

* * *

Three hours later, and Sirius had successfully completed all of his tasks. He stood in front of Walburga and Orion in the study once again, except this time there was no trace of defiance or pride on his face, just a blank stare.

"You've done very well, Sirius." Orion sneered. "I have one last task for you, however."

"Yes sir." Sirius said in a monotone.

"Take this dagger. Sit down in front of me. Remember the following sentence. _I am a failure and I deserve to be punished._ Have you remembered it?"

"Yes, sir."

"Now take that dagger. And carve that into your left wrist. Lengthways. Do it deep, but no so deep as to require medical attention. And do _not _bleed on the carpet."

"Yes, sir." Sirius murmured. With that, he picked up the blade.

* * *

Sirius aroused from his stupor locked in his room. He woke up screaming, with tears running down his face, gasping for breath, and stared down at his arm.

Neatly carved into his flesh was the sentence _I am a failure and I deserve to be punished._

Sirius ran over to his wastebasket and vomited repeatedly into it. His whole body went into shock and he was still sobbing, because he recognised that handwriting, and it wasn't his father's. It was hardly recognisable, forcibly neatened, but he'd know it anywhere.

Under the Imperius curse, he'd wrote those words into his own arm.


	5. The Black Heart

**Short one. Trigger warning.**

* * *

The next three day were a mixture of Hell and Heaven for Sirius. It was Heaven because his parents left him locked in his room and didn't acknowledge his presence whatsoever, but it was Hell because he was left alone with his thoughts, nightmares, hunger and a descending depression.

Sirius was completely overcome with guilt at what he'd done to Remus. At first, he'd rationalised it as the only thing he could've done, in the best interest of his own survival because if he hadn't told Snape about Remus, then the news of Sirius' abuse would have been spread all over the castle and eventually reached his parents, who would have quite literally killed him. Immediately. But the longer Sirius sat in his room, staring at the words carved in his arm and over-thinking the entire incident, Sirius knew this wasn't the truth. He had told Snape out of intense anger, hatred and disgust for the other boy. And doing so, he'd endangered Remus and his tenure at Hogwarts, and James, by blurting out his mistake to the other boy and telling him to help Snape. James would have been unable to transform into his Animagus form to ensure his own well-being whilst dealing with the very frustrated wolf, so would have had to remain in his human form.

The guilt was eating him alive, from the inside out. He felt dirty and disgusting, and was even disgusted by the pretentious blood that ran through his veins and forced his traitorous heart to continue beating. So on the third night of his imprisonment, Sirius made a pact with himself. He decided that he was a case of bad blood, and bad blood needs to be bled out.

* * *

At first, it started with him violently tearing the scabs from the sentence on his arm. But even when that was raw and bleeding, it still wasn't enough.

So Sirius took the enchanted mirror, his communication line with James, and shattered it into fragments. Then he took one of the small fragments, rolled up his sleeve, and pressed it into his paper-thin flesh.

His hands were trembling like mad, a cold sweat breaking out on his forehead. He'd never had any experience with this before, cutting his own skin. But minutes passed by, and bit by bit Sirius began to break apart from the guilt, and without looking he pulled the sharp glass across his wrist and dropped it onto the floor.

It was horribly painful, and for a second, Sirius was thankful he hadn't gone deeper. He opened his eyes, and stared at the deep laceration at the top of his wrist, which for some reason, wasn't bleeding. So, beyond his better judgement, Sirius bent his hand forward, and then back to it's original position.

The cut gradually began to fill with dark red blood, and in a few seconds it was dripping down his forearm at a rather alarming rate. Sirius' eyes filled with tears, and he shook his head, tearing a strip one-handedly from his bed sheet and layering it several times around the wound. He'd reached the point of no return, but then again, he deserved it.

* * *

A week passed since his suspension had been imposed, and Sirius was ready to end his life.

It seems extreme, a boy who had never really considered suicide or experienced any suicidal impulses going from pretty well-adjusted to a huge risk to himself. But it was hell.

Hell couldn't be any worse than this.

The glass shard had quickly become Sirius' best friend. His hatred for his blood had settled somewhat, and been replaced by a deep hatred for the black heart in his chest. So Sirius had resorted to slicing open his chest. Up the middle of his ribcage, a few inches south of his collarbone, in the gaps between his ribs. Anywhere where he could mar the skin covering his traitorous heart. Sirius was a victim of extreme self-hatred, and the one sentence that really fuelled this was James' last words to him. _'You're just like the rest of the Black family._'

But the one thing that properly broke Sirius occurred the night of the week-long absence from Hogwarts. He'd spent the entire day cleaning glasses, and by the end of the night, he was so over-tired that one of his clumsy hands dropped the delicate glass. It shattered with a light tinkle, hardly noticeable, but of course, his mother's sonar hearing picked it up. She swooped into the room straight away, screeching, and slapped him as hard as she could muster across his face. Sirius tumbled to the floor, cursing as he landed in the glass and it crunched under his elbow, and then, to his horror, his shirt came up, revealing the patterns of bloody self-hate littered across his chest.

Walburga had the vision to match her inhuman hearing, so of course she saw. She wrapped her talons around the material of Sirius' shirt and yanked him up, holding him by the neck and staring into his face.

"You little _freak!_" she spat at him, and dragged him to the stairs, throwing him onto the bottom one and walking away.

He didn't know what he had expected. Certainly not for his mother to have a halfway human reaction, of course not. But for her to spit the world _freak_ at her son, with such contempt and hatred…no matter how much they hated each other, surely, she still cared whether he took his own life?

Apparently not. So that night, Sirius made a decision.


	6. The Incident

Two in the morning. The distant clock chimes alerted Sirius of this.

Everything was ready.

His light was off, the curtains open so the light from the moon could shine in. The night was clear, hardly any clouds so he could see the stars too. The moonlight was the only illumination into the dark room.

A rough noose was hanging from the chandelier in Sirius' room, the knot expertly tied. A stool was underneath it, and on the stool stood Sirius.

His wrists were bloody from two neat yet deep incisions resting in his skin. He was dizzy once again, breathing heavily as he hooked the loop around his neck. His hands were trembling, but there was a smile dancing around his lips.

Sirius Black closed his eyes and kicked the stool out from underneath him.


	7. Going Home

He hung there for exactly thirty seven seconds.

Thirty-seven seconds of red-faced gasping and kicking his legs, then the gradual dizziness. He was close to death, and he knew it.

That is, until the chandelier decided to break.

* * *

The next thing Sirius remembered was lying there, underneath seventeen pounds of broken glass, with tears dripping down his face and a painful burning sensation around his neck. His fingers were opening and closing, and every bone in his body ached as he gasped for breath, the only movement he was capable of.

* * *

His memory came in fragments for the next two hours.

He remembered his mother and father coming in. His mother screaming about the mess in his room. His father leaving the room because he was so angry.

He remembered his mother leaning down and touching his face. He remembered her lips to his ear, whispering.

He remembered her words.

_Next time, do it properly and don't leave a mess._

And then a sharp slap across his cut-up face.

* * *

He remembered his father coming back into the room and heaving the heavy body of the chandelier from his chest, and how his breath came a little bit easier after that.

He remembered his father pulling him up forcefully, shaking him to get rid of the glass littering his clothes, and then pulling out a penknife and sawing through most of the noose, purposefully leaving a little of the frays attached so he could cause Sirius pain as he yanked it off as hard as he could.

His father was not careful to ensure the knife didn't nick his neck, but they were just a few more cuts to add to the millions currently on his body.

* * *

After that he must've blacked out, because he remembered jerking awake in the kitchen, his exhausted lids drooping back down as he tried to block out the sound of his mother screaming at his father "_Send the little brat away!"_

* * *

"Boy, you're going back to Hogwarts. We cannot handle your misbehaviour anymore.

"You will travel back by Floo Powder in ten minutes. I will get your belongings and your wand."

And Sirius remembered a calm settling over him, because finally, he was going _home_.

He barely remembered the trip back, but the next thing he knew he had been thrown out of the fireplace in Dumbledore's study, and tears had welled up in his eyes again because the act of coughing was the most painful thing he'd ever felt after all the abuse his chest had been taking.

And then warm arms were around him, and they placed him on a stretcher which was sent to the Hospital Wing.

And to this day, Sirius still remembers the look on Professor McGonnogal's face as he was carted away.

* * *

"Sirius Black, what on earth has happened to you?" Madame Pomfrey sighed, as she pulled him gently off the stretcher and onto the cot.

Sirius tried to get words out, but his throat just hurt too much. Madame Pomfrey frowned, and went over to examine his neck. He tried to avoid her warm hands, but in the end it just took too much energy to struggle, so he allowed her to lean his head back and see the rope burn on his neck.

"Mr. Black…is this…rope burn?"

The shock was evident in her voice, and all he could do was nod miserably.

"I need you to tell me what happened." she said firmly. Sirius nodded, gulping.

"I-tried-to-well-from-a ch-ande-lier." Sirius managed to rasp. "Broke."

"Oh, _Sirius_." Madame Pomfrey's eyes filled, but she shook her head, returning back to her stern stance.

She cut him out of all his clothes except for his boxers, which took a while due to Sirius gasping in pain at every slight twitch of his body. The shock was beginning to wear off, and the pain had really set in. Every nerve in his body felt like it was on fire.

An hour later, and Madame Pomfrey had managed to examine him properly, and detach all the shards of glass still stuck in his body, including a huge chunk stuck in his calf.

Her diagnosis was grim.

he had cuts all over his body, mostly shallow, but some which had grazed past his muscle. Three of his ribs were broken, hence his difficulty breathing, his spine was bruised from the fall, his arm was also badly broken and there was a second degree rope burn around his neck. She commanded him to drink several disgusting potions, and told him he'd have to spend the rest of his suspension in the Hospital Wing for monitoring, not that Sirius had a problem with that. She also told him that they'd have to talk about his suicide attempt, but not tonight, because he needed rest. And with that, she left him in peace.

And Sirius thought that was that, until two hours later at seven in the morning.

* * *

Lily Evans rushed in at 7:03, helping her friend Alice Longbottom hobble in, waking a restless Sirius.

"Madame Pomfrey, Madame Pomfrey!"

Madame Pomfrey came bustling out of her office.

"Yes Miss Evans, what is it?" she asked.

"Alice tripped down the stairs and landed on her ankle, and it's swelled up like a balloon!"

"Yes, not to worry Miss Evans, I'll take care of it."

Madame Pomfrey led a whimpering Alice into the cot across from him, and Lily went to stand in front of it. Sirius was staring at the back of her flame-red hair, praying that she wouldn't turn around, but just his luck, she seemed to notice eyes on her and turned around.

"B-black? Is that you?"

"The one and only." Sirius let a ghost of his old smile flicker across his face for a few seconds. Lily hesitated, before slowly making her way to Sirius' bedside.

"What happened to you? I thought you were suspended?"

"Chandelier fell on me. Parents don't want to deal with me anymore, sent me back here."

"Your parents sent you back here because a chandelier fell on you? That's ridiculous!"

Lily's protective instincts seemed to overtake her dislike for Sirius, and she edged forward.

"How come Potter isn't swooning by your bedside? It's not often you see one of you without the other."

"Well, you're here, he should be hiding behind one of these curtains somewhere." Sirius raspily chuckled, trying to evade her question.

"Ha ha. Now really, why isn't he here? And for that matter, where are Remus and Pettigrew?" Lily asked nosily. Sirius rolled his eyes.

"We had an er, falling out. That's why I was suspended." Sirius said awkwardly.

"A _falling out_? That's really more important than coming to see you when you were so injured you had to be sent back here? You look really hurt, B-Sirius! You know what, I'm going to march up there right now and drag that lazy toe rag down here by his ear…"

"Lily, Lily, it's fine, honestly. They don't know that I'm here, I only got here a few hours ago. And they wouldn't want to see me, anyway." Sirius whispered the last part, releasing the hold he'd caught on Lily's robe. His hand was trembling again.

"Of course they would! They're your best friends, and no matter what you did, they still care whether you're hurt or not!" Lily stated, nodding her head.

"No Lily, what I did…it was really bad. They may never forgive me, and I wouldn't blame them." Sirius replied miserably. Lily shook her head.

"Don't be ridiculous, it can't have been that bad! What did you do, sleep with one of Potter's many conquests?" she sniffed. Sirius shook his head.

"Honestly Lily, James, he hasn't slept with that many girls. Ever since he started liking you, he's really cut down on them. I know he comes off as an arrogant tosspot, but you should give him a chance. He's not as bad as he comes across, honestly."

Lily stared at him thoughtfully, thinking for a second.

"Hey, if I'm wrong you can slap me."

Lily chuckled at that. "You're on, B-Sirius."

She smiled at the shaggy haired boy. "I really should see how Alice is doing."

Sirius nodded, and waved her away. With that, he settled back into his cot and closed his eyes again, unaware of the startling green eyes that still lingered on his body.


	8. A Gain And A Loss

Lily came to see him every day after that.

She'd never really liked Sirius, if she was honest, and had just dismissed him as another one of James' tosspot friends who was a bit of a whore. The only reason she'd even come back in the first place was because deep down she was a caring person, and she saw the pain in Sirius' grey eyes when he talked about his friends. So she went back, because she needed to know what had happened, and even though Sirius never actually told her, to her immense surprise, she realised that Sirius was a lot more than he made himself out to be.

He wasn't stupid, and he certainly wasn't as arrogant or self-confident as he portrayed himself to be. He didn't like to talk about himself a lot, and neither did Lily, so they settled on a comfortable middle ground, either talking about James or sitting in companionable silence whilst Lily read a book and Sirius caught up on all his work. After a few days, Sirius was feeling a lot better, though the millions of cuts on his body still hadn't faded. Madame Pomfrey had opted to let the shallow ones heal naturally, but she gave him a specific spell to heal the deep ones, so they were pretty much gone already. His ribs and arm were fixed, but his chest still ached a lot. He felt virtually no pain in his back, but the rope burn around his neck still hurt, although it had already healed quite well thanks to the potion he had drank on the first day. Lily checked with Madame Pomfrey every time she was in here, before Sirius even knew she was here, and then would come and sit with him. He was mildly surprised when she first came to his bedside, but he had to admit, he did enjoy the company.

* * *

"Now Sirius, Madame Pomfrey says she can release you tomorrow if you start eating the food she gives you. So eat!" Lily smiled, pushing a plateful of food towards him. Sirius picked at the sandwich, as well as the crisps, and swallowed a mouthful of water after every bite he took - he refused to even touch pumpkin juice after what had happened on that night, but by the end he'd eaten over half his meal. Sirius didn't think it was enough, but Madame Pomfrey was remarkably pleased with his progress, telling him that his appetite probably wouldn't be back for a few weeks after what had happened to his neck, so it was important to eat properly until then. Sirius nodded and thanked her, ignoring Lily's enquiring stare. For days she had been asking him what happened to his neck, and each time he had just told her he'd rather not talk about that. She respected that, but each time she pushed a little harder, though she remained gentle, but still, Sirius wasn't opening up anytime soon.

Lily informed Sirius that she had started talking to James a little more, and Sirius warned her that they should only talk when hardly anyone was around, not because he was ashamed, but because he was afraid she'd publicly humiliate him once again by rejecting him, so he was more likely to act like a dick.

"He doesn't want anyone to think it hurts him, see." Sirius explained. "But it does. His face always falls when he thinks no one's looking. It's important to him to not show his real emotions, to be a guy I guess."

Lily nodded, reading over Sirius' Transfiguration essay and scratching out a sentence or two.

"There you go! Almost perfect, Sirius." she beamed at him, and he gave her a small smile.

* * *

Madame Pomfrey released him from the Hospital Wing the next day, at six in the morning. Sirius had been awake for the better part of an hour, worrying about what would happen when he saw his friends again. He was still quite clearly injured, but he didn't want them to notice or pity him. He was a very proud person that way, and hated receiving sympathy.

It was a Thursday, so he decided he'd sneak into the dormitory before any of them woke up, and then stay in there all day, skipping all the meals except for the evening meal. He'd originally planned to skip that too but Madame Pomfrey would fret if he wasn't seen in the Dinner Hall all day, and besides, it was better for them to see him there first, rather than him just appearing in the dormitory from his bed and scaring the life out of them all.

So when she released him, Sirius walked up back to the Griffindor common room carrying all of his stuff in the same bag he'd left with. Lily had informed him of the new password so he murmured it to the Fat Lady, clambered through the portrait hole, and snuck up the stairs. He was careful to be extremely quiet as he opened the door, and he gently padded through the door.

He let out a sigh of relief when he was at his bed, gently placing his bag down on top of it and climbing in with it. The other had left his curtains drawn to his relief, and he pulled out his wand, casting a Silencing Charm around the bed and then allowing himself to breathe properly again.

When he heard his old friends begin to rouse, he lay down on his side, his eyes closed tightly, praying they wouldn't find him here. He just wanted a half-day of peace before the real hell broke loose.

* * *

Remus was the first to wake up. Sirius recognised his quiet footsteps as he headed to the shower, and revelled in the bookish smell the other boy carried around.

A half hour later and James woke up. Sirius fully tensed up; James was a Seeker and trained to notice the smallest differences. But thankfully he remained oblivious that three had become four, and got straight in the shower after Remus had finished. The other two pulled Peter out of bed when James had finished, so he'd have time to have his shower.

Sirius was borrowed under his covers at this point. He was quite skinny, so they wouldn't notice any silhouette from behind his hangings.

"When do you think Sirius will be back?" Peter squeaked, and Sirius' breath caught in his throat. James sighed heavily.

"I have no idea." Remus said quietly, and Sirius' eyes filled with tears when he heard the pain in Remus' voice. He was filled with anger at himself for being the cause of that pain, and cursed under his breath.

"Don't let that bastard bother you, Remus." James snapped, throwing a pair of jeans forcefully on the floor. "I'm going to breakfast."

James then walked out of the dormitory, Peter following. Sirius assumed Remus had left with them, even though he heard no footsteps, so he yanked his hangings apart and headed for the bathroom, suicide on his mind. To his horror, however, he whacked into Remus, sending him flying to the floor.

Out of instinct, Sirius reached out and caught the other boy, pulling him to his feet. The contact sent him dizzy, and the immediately took his hands away, not daring to meet the other boy's eyes.

"S-Sirius?" Remus asked, confused as all hell. Sirius nodded meekly.

"You can hit me if you want." he murmured. Remus stepped back in shock.

"Wha-what are you doing here? What happened to your _face_?" Remus' voice was thick with emotion.

"I got what I deserved. I'm sorry, Remus." Sirius said quietly. Remus frowned.

"Sirius, I-I'm not ready to forgive you." he blurted. Sirius felt like a dagger had gone through his heart, and the pain must've shown on his face, because Remus took a step forward out of habit.

"I have to shower." Sirius heard himself say, and stumbled towards the bathroom, keeping his head low so Remus wouldn't see the tears that were spilling down his face.


	9. The Little White Pills

The next days sort of faded into each other.

Sirius skipped breakfast, sat behind the other Marauders in all of his classes, and skipped lunch too. He left the Quiddich team. Every day after class, he left silently, went back to his bed and did all his homework. After he was finished he handed his work to Lily and then snuck out of the castle, transformed into Padfoot and just ran. He ran out his anger, his frustration, his worry and his pain. He'd run for hours.

One cold night Sirius found himself stood at the lake, staring at the dark water. All he wanted was to throw himself in, and he would have. But one particularly dim light was shining from a familiar window, and Sirius knew that Remus was watching him. So he couldn't do it. He couldn't kill himself in front of the other boy, because he knew by the time Remus ran down here and tried to save him, he'd be dead and Remus would blame himself for the rest of his life. And Remus didn't deserve that.

He spent a lot of his time with Lily, huddled in a corner and listening to her whilst she talked cheerily about her day. It pissed James off hugely at first, but then Sirius said something to Lily, they both looked over, and then she slowly stood, approached James, and initiated a conversation with him. James' mouth had fell over and before he could stop himself, he stared over at Sirius with shining eyes. But Sirius was back to glaring into the fireplace, seemingly oblivious to the rest of the world.

Sirius felt like his world had fallen apart. He missed his friends more than he'd ever felt anything ever. None of them would even look at him anymore. They avoided him at dinnertime, and ignored his occasional glances in lessons.

And Sirius couldn't do it alone anymore. So he snuck out of one of the passages and left Hogsmeade, wandering into Muggle London with the stack of Muggle money he'd always hoarded. It took him a while, but eventually he found someone who traded him a small bottle of pills for a big chunk of his money, promising him a decent distraction when mixed with alcohol. So he spent the rest of his money on a bottle of vodka, and then swallowed one of the pills along with three or four shots.

The effect of the little white pill took effect as soon as he'd climbed back through the portrait hole. Colours became brighter, his whole body was filled with a buzz and a huge smile broke out on his face. He was _happy_.

* * *

Remus Lupin stood at the bathroom door with an expression of concern, next to a tired-looking James.

"Does he even know we're here?" asked James, scratching his head and wrinkling his brow.

"No." answered Remus absentmindedly, he was too distracted watching the other boy dry-heave over the toilet bowl. "I went past him before, to wash my hands, and I asked him if he was alright. He looked right through me."

"Is he high?"

"Apparently so." Remus sighed sadly. His focus was now on the pair of thin, shaky hands clutching the toilet bowl as he retched.

"Well, er, I don't think there's much we can do. We may as well just let him ride it out, go to bed, you know?" James muttered guiltily. Remus nodded.

"You go. I think I'm just going to sit with him a while."

"You've forgiven him?!" James exclaimed. Remus shook his head.

"Not fully. But just look at him, James. He's breaking apart. He needs us, god knows what his parents did to him whilst he was there. And anyway, it's not like he'll know I'm here. I'll just go to bed when I'm sure he's okay. He won't know I'm there." he explained.

So James went to bed, and Remus dropped down next to a panicked-looking Sirius. He hesitated, and then gently put his hand on Sirius' back, rubbing his thumb in circles to relax the older boy.

When the nausea had done it's worst, Sirius collapsed into Remus' arms, and this time, the other boy didn't stop to think before wrapping his arms protectively around him. He heard a small choking noise, and realised Sirius was crying. His heart quite literally broke, and he buried his nose in Sirius' hair, pressing kisses there and muttering comforts under his breath.

"I-miss-Remus." the unstable Sirius sobbed, and Remus started. Sirius had his whole head buried in Remus' dressing down, so his voice was quite muffled, but Remus still understood him. "Y-you smell-like him."

The other boy was wracked with sobs, the kind that make your entire chest hurt and your heart ache.

"I didn't-mean-for this-to-happen! Snape-threatened-me!" Sirius was having difficulty breathing from how hard he was crying, so Remus murmured affirmations in his ear, and pulled the older into his arms, carrying him to his bed. Once there, he realised Sirius' hand was locked in the material of his dressing gown, so Remus sighed, gently moving Sirius over and getting into bed with him. He wiped Sirius' wet face with his sleeve, shushing the other boy, and eventually he fell asleep. So Remus carefully detached himself and shuffled over to his own bed, curling up and staring at the wall thoughtfully. He was completely unsurprised when James climbed in with him a few minutes later, sitting cross-legged on the end of the bed and staring at Remus.

"Snape threatened him?"

"Looks that way." Remus spoke softly. "How can I stay mad at him now?"

"Easy. Even if Snape did threaten him, he still betrayed you and acted like a complete dick. He deserves to be punished, Moony. For a week longer, at _least_."

Remus sighed heavily but he nodded. He hated being angry at people with a passion. It drained so much of his time and energy, and left him exhausted.

"We'll manage just fine without him." James said fiercely. "And he'll be fine for a little bit longer."


	10. The Convulsions

But Sirius wasn't okay.

He felt truly day after he took the ecstasy, he spent the entire day lay in bed, wallowing in his own self-misery. His world was in shards around him, shattered, sharp little pieces stabbing his chest and making breath hard to come by. He felt like he was still stuck under that chandelier, only this time it was a chandelier full of guilt, regret and heavy depression. His head was all over the place, and even though the effects of the drug had worn off, he was still completely out of reality. He couldn't figure out what was real and what wasn't, whether Remus Lupin was really stood at the dormitory room watching him when he should be in Charms, or if the little Golden Snitch that was zooming across his face was really there. He hadn't eaten in three full days, and had only drank a sip of water from the bathroom tap all day, which his stomach had rejected intensely. He was pale, nauseous and sweating, tears wouldn't stop running down his face even though he hardly ever cried, and his entire body was almost convulsing from the rate it was both shaking and shivering. Moments kept skipping in his head, one minute he was lay in bed and the next he'd jerked awake on the freezing cold bathroom floor. He was terrified, and alone, and he couldn't handle it anymore.

So that's how he found himself curled up in the bathtub, holding a blade from one of James' razors in his spasming hand and sobbing relentlessly. His arms were a complete mess, both of them torn to bloody, stinging shreds, but he couldn't stop his hand, it just kept jerking and adding more to the puddle of blood in front of him. He had no idea how bad he'd hurt himself, because the mess in front of him had blurred to one horrendously scarlet image, and since he couldn't differentiate, he just swapped directions and dragged the blade across his wrist. He was only going for a scratch, but thanks to yet another hand convulsion, the blade stuck extremely deep in his arm around halfway down but he carried on dragging.

When the blood splattered the wall in front of him in one huge rush of ruby, Sirius knew he was done, and his hand finally let him release the silver weapon. It clattered on the surface beneath him, and Sirius found he had no energy to sit up anymore. So he simply reclined into the river of blood, paying no mind to the stains on his clothes, and let one last word escape from his steadily draining lips.

_Remus._

* * *

Remus Lupin hadn't been feeling right all class. At first he thought it was nothing, just a strange twanging sensation in his lower chest. It was bearable for the majority of the class, and even when it began to worsen, spreading upwards into his actual heart and almost knocking him breathless, he still managed to ignore it.

But the moment he felt a huge yanking sensation, he knew he had no control anymore.

He leapt up, knocking over his chair, and sprinted from Charms, leaving a very confused Flitwick in the wake.

His feet had him crashing through the Portrait Hole, taking stairs three at a time, and exploding into the dormitory, which was where his wolf senses made him realise there was a lot of bloodshed in the bathroom.

He almost threw up when he reached it, because an exceptionally pale Sirius was lying in the middle of a huge lake of his own blood, his arms cut, and a huge rip extending vertically from his wrist all the way to his elbow.

Remus barely even knew what he was doing, but he found himself kneeling on the floor next to a very dead-looking Sirius, pulling out his wand, and thinking back rapidly in his near-perfect memory.

_Snape boasting about his creation, a spell to heal deep gashes, derived from the Latin, roughly translated to_ '_may the wounds be healed'_, _vulnus, sanare, repeat three times for maximum effect, vulnera, vulnera, vulnera sanentur!_

"Vulnera santentur!" Remus almost screamed, aiming his wand at Sirius' arm.

The bleeding began to ease up, and Remus almost collapsed with relief.

"Vulnera Santentur!"

The wound began to knit itself back together - Remus felt dizzy.

"Vulnera Santentur!" he yelled for the last time. He didn't know what was supposed to happen, but it seemed like nothing, so Remus once again raised his wand.

"Tergio!"

The dried-up blood on Sirius' arms vanished, and he was able to properly assess the damage.

The vertical cut had changed from a deadly open wound to a mere angry red line stretching through the other slices on Sirius' wrist. It would probably scar incredibly badly, but at least the stupid idiot was alive.

Remus cast a quick cleaning spell over the bathroom, flushed the razor blade he assumed had inflicted the damage, and then the shock finally set in, making him lean over the toilet bowl and throw up violently. He threw up everything he'd ever eaten, it felt like, flushing four or five times until his body finally stopped forcing food up. His eyes were watering, but he simply wiped them, and walked over to a shivering Sirius, stripping him of all his clothes besides his boxers, throwing them in the bathtub and carrying the unconscious boy to his bed. He wrapped him up in the quilt, and then went and got Sirius' own quilt to add on.

He clambered in with Sirius, and wrapped his arms around the thin, shaky boy, and finally let himself cry.

He didn't give a shit what James said. He was never leaving the other boy's side again.

* * *

Two hours later, after fourth period had finished, James came tumbling into the dormitory, with Peter in tow.

"Moony, what the hell?! Are you alright, mate?" he demanded, and then stopped short when he saw a half-naked Sirius curled up next to a shaking Remus.

"Sirius-he…"

"What?"

"Tried to kill himself. He cut his brachial artery, in his wrist. Sirius tried to kill himself."

James dropped to the floor in shock, his hands moving to clutch chunks of his hair. Peter stood at the door, open-mouthed, whilst Remus didn't move, his arms still around Sirius protectively.


	11. The Promise

When Sirius woke up, the first thing he smelled was Remus.

He didn't move an inch. He hardly even breathed. He just lay there, perfectly still, inhaling deeply through his nose because god, he'd missed that smell.

He'd already pieced together the fragments of the night where he took ecstasy, and figured out that the man who carried him to bed and rocked him to sleep was in fact Remus, not some strange yet nice stranger. Remus hadn't left him.

Even though Remus was convinced that Sirius had committed the worst betrayal imaginable, he still hadn't hesitated to come to his side and comfort him. James, well, James _was_ his best mate, but Sirius hadn't done anything specific to James, at least, nothing to merit abandonment in a time of need. Remus refusing to sit with him would have been acceptable, James…not so much.

"I missed you, Remmy." Sirius murmured, and watched from under a slit in his eyelids as the other boy's eyelids flew open from the half-slumber he'd been in.

"Oh Sirius! Thank God you're awake!"

Sirius winced at the amplitude of Remus' voice, and Remus shot him an apologetic look.

"You worried the life out of me." he whispered. Sirius bit his lip. "I thought you were never going to wake up."

"What do you mean?" Sirius questioned, confused.

"Sirius, you've been out for two whole days. You haven't moved an inch. You were barely breathing, I thought-I thought I was going to lose you."

Remus' bottom lip was quivering. Sirius frowned, reaching up a thumb and gently caressing his lower lip.

"I, er, I thought you weren't-ready to, er, forgive me."

Sirius hated to state this, but it needed to be done. He had to straighten everything out before he allowed himself to get properly emotionally invested again.

"Sirius…I wasn't exactly mad at you. I was hurt, a whole lot of hurt, and I felt betrayed. I never hated you…I kept my promise." Remus' hazel eyes were serious. "But you need to tell me. You need to tell me right now exactly what happened. You owe me that."

"Alright, fair enough."

Sirius leant up slightly, and Remus moved to the bottom of the bed, hunching so his chin was resting on his knees, and wrapping his arms around his legs.

"This isn't easy for me to say, you know? And I'd rather you didn't tell anyone, but it's up to you I guess. Well, anyway. I guess I should start with my parents.

"I've already told all you guys that they're serious Purebloods, demented as fuck and obsessed with blood status. Ridiculous. They're crazy, like, seriously crazy. They used to leave me alone, as long as I didn't backchat, but all that ended soon as I got sorted into Griffindor and became friends with people they didn't _approve _of. So, since I made it clear they have no say, they started…punishing me. At first, just a couple slaps, maybe a shove here and there. Nothing too worrisome. And then it was a plate thrown near me, a punch, maybe a kick. But after a while…the plates became curses, aimed right at me. The punches got harder, the kicks got more violent. And as of right now…

"They hurt me. They hurt me a lot, on a regular basis. There's no point keeping anything from you if you know that, so…"

Sirius rolled up his left sleeve.

"Father, he, uh, he put me under. The Imperius Curse, I mean. And he told me to cut this in my arm."

Remus gently took Sirius' arm and examined the sentence with horror-struck eyes as Sirius continued to talk.

"That was when I got suspended, for, you know. Anyway. I got sent back here after a week. I tried to hang myself from a chandelier. Sorry for being so blunt, but whatever, yeah. But the chandelier happened to collapse on me. I got shipped back here, to the Hospital Wing. And Lily came to talk to me a lot. I'm getting off track, shit. Well, Snape spent weeks provoking me, you know, calling me "Good puppy" and shit like that? Well, on the night it happened I was coming back from the kitchens and he threw me on the floor, pinned me with his foot and demanded to know where we go on full moons. Then he said if I didn't tell him he'd tell the entire castle about my parents, who as you know, would have reacted _brilliantly_. Found out from Regulus of course, little bastard. And I snapped. I told him to press the button and go down there. And I endangered James by telling him. God, I don't know what the hell I'd have done if he was hurt…if either of you got hurt…"

Sirius' eyes were down in shame, but to his surprise he felt two elegant, long fingers gently nudging his face back up.

Remus was knelt in front of Sirius with his honey coloured eyes swimming with tears, and a face that looked like someone had kicked his puppy.

"Remus, you look like a dog that's just had it's arse slapped."

Remus burst out laughing, slapping Sirius on the shoulder, who allowed him a grin.

"That was literally the most inappropriate thing you've ever said, Padfoot."

"Nah, can't be." Sirius smiled. Remus settled next to him.

"But seriously now, Pads. It can't go on like this. I don't know about the others, but I've fully forgiven you. Don't you dare object. And if I have, they have no real reason to stay mad. But you need to stop trying to die, Sirius. It scares the shit out of me. Terrifies me, even, the thought of losing you…it's just too much to bear. So please stop hurting yourself. And for the love of god, eat a meal. You haven't eaten properly in weeks. You can't afford to drop weight, even if it's just a couple of pounds."

Sirius nodded, resting his head on Remus'.

"I will. I promise."


	12. The Promising Day

And Sirius fully intended to keep that promise. Even if he couldn't, at first, because things don't just happen in an instant.

His Moony had forgiven him, his brilliant, intelligent, handsome Moony. But that didn't take away his self-hatred for committing what was, in his eyes, the biggest atrocity a person could do. He still felt it rushing through him, every second, every minute, every hour, every day.

But he tried his best to sate it, if not for the promise, then to see Remus' honey eyes light up when he saw Sirius usual absent-minded smile that had been gone for so long.

And so, the next morning, somewhat hesitantly, Sirius headed downstairs with Remus armed with a plan.

He sent Remus to have a conversation about him with James and Peter, and chose a seat that avoided most people who were staring at him questionably after his arrival with Remus. He picked up a plate, and chose three small pieces of toast, which he was determined to eat.

After so long without food, Sirius knew that he couldn't just jump back into eating properly, stuffing his face with rich, fattening foods all day. He knew he wasn't fat, not by a long shot, but he had a feeling when he was dizzy from starvation, a feeling of control that just couldn't be achieved from anything else.

And he knew it was ridiculous, he knew it wasn't _normal_, and most of all, he knew that no one else would ever understand. So he was firm in the decision that he'd find a new outlet, a new method of control. It could even be controlling how high his grades were.

So Sirius tore off a small strip of the toast and eyed the butter nervously. He wanted to spread it on the dry piece of food that he was holding, but at the same time, he was worried that the spread would be too rich for him to handle, and throwing his guts up at breakfast probably wasn't the best way to turn over a new leaf of healthy living.

He ate the strip, and tore another one.

_Chew. Swallow. Chew. Swallow. Chew. Swallow._

By the time a grim-looking Remus had perched next to him, he'd torn his way through two and a half pieces of toast. And he was pretty proud of himself, but the look on Remus' face was enough to make his stomach gurgle anxiously.

"James said…well, basically, you're not forgiven in his eyes. That's all I'm saying."

A down-hearted and mildly annoyed Remus took his plate and filled it with toast, bacon, and eggs, stabbing at the food savagely. Sirius swallowed his mouthful.

"Why?" he asked quietly. Remus glanced over at the place he had recently vacated, and then quickly averted his eyes to his plate again.

"Watch out." he warned quietly, and someone tapped Sirius on the shoulder.

"Can I speak to you for a moment please?"

The voice was polite, but filled with reserved, cold anger. Sirius reluctantly stood, and followed his tensed ex-best friend out into the corridor.

"I have no idea how you got Remus to forgive you, but personally, I think that's really _foul_. You've taken advantage, once again, of a kind-hearted person who finds it hard to have grudges, and just trampled all over him to get your way. You have no clue what consequences really are. You've not learned _shit_. And that annoys me, it annoys me a hell of a lot. So no, I'm not going to forgive you, because I'm not as easy to manipulate as Remus, but it's not like the great Sirius Black will care either way, is it? Just go right back to shagging anything that breathes and strutting around here arrogantly, tossing hexes left and right and lying to people. I hope you're happy, Black, because I'm sure not."

With that, James angrily stormed away, and Sirius watched the possibility of a potential good day walk away right with him.

_Real men don't cry._

"I mean, I geet it, I hurt Remmy pretty bad, yanno? But he'ss bloody well over-reacting." Sirius slurred, as he threw back another shot of Firewhiskey.

"Right Sirius, I think you've had enough." Madame Rosemerta said sternly but lovingly.

"Whaaat?! No."

"I'm not even supposed to serve you! But I have a feeling that's not the first taste you've had of alcohol."

Sirius responded with a throaty chuckle.

"So along you go. Come on! Time to go back to the castle, Sirius."

Madame Rosemerta ushered him out of the Three Broomsticks, snapping the door shut in his face and leaving a drunken, swaying Sirius on the doorstep.

"But Madame Rosemertaaa!" he called out to the empty air.


End file.
